He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You ate ashes out of my bong
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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