when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
