Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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