Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
