he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
