Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He felt like a one man threesome
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
