im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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