neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
