so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
