Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
