I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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