Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I think my moral compass just broke
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
