Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
