The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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