I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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