ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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