there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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