The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
