I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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