remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
