Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
