i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Michael Bay diarrhea
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
