I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
