i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Congratulations! We have a period
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