my phone needs a breathalizer
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
