i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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