Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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