What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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