You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
