Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
