I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
