i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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