I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Girls should come with a carfax report
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
