yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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