i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
