Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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