I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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