Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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