Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
