I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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