Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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