I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i love accidental penises.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
