Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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