That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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