i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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