We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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