Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
