There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
