I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
