I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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